How to Provide Support Following Pregnancy Loss
Pregnancy loss can be extremely devastating for a mother, couple and family. However, it is a loss that isn’t always recognized as such, or through the culturally-specific rituals following death, depending on how far along the mother was in the pregnancy. In this post, I focus on how to offer support to a grieving mother following the loss of her baby (or babies, if she was pregnant with multiples). The following is a list I’ve compiled of 12 ways to support a mother following this loss, particularly if she had been undergoing infertility treatment, which further complicates this loss:
Help coordinate commemorative events. Know that with very early miscarriages, there may not be a burial or funeral service. However, with later stage miscarriages or stillborn babies, if you are an immediate relative or close friend of the parents of the deceased baby, help them to logistically coordinate the funeral or commemorative ritual events to honor the deceased. Coordinating between a hospital, county officials, funeral home, religious authority, and cemetery staff can be a confusing and overwhelming process and it can provide relief to the grieving parents to not have to deal with these logistics (but definitely consult with them about decision-making so they can honor their deceased baby in the way that they would like to). Sometimes the financial cost of these events is prohibitive, and if comfortable offering, ask if you can contribute financially. The mother may want to invite relatives and friends to the funeral, but not have the emotional capacity to directly make the phone calls to do so, so offer to make the calls to relay the news.
Show up. Attend the funeral or commemorative ritual events to honor the deceased and as a way to show support to the family. If the event is soon after the death, as is particularly the case for Muslims, know that the mother may be physically exhausted (and still healing physiologically from a medical procedure such as a D&C, induced delivery, emergency C-Section, etc.). She may seem emotionally numb or be flooded with grief that she openly displays, and may be unable to hold a conversation. Your presence alone can offer comfort that words do not. If you are a religious individual, offer prayers and participate in the religious rituals to honor the deceased and their family. Offer during the months to follow, to accompany the mother as she visits her baby’s grave at the cemetery (and she will let you know if she wants to do so alone). Visiting her baby’s grave is another way to demonstrate that you are legitimizing her loss, even if her baby wasn’t full-term.
Call. Reach out to the mother as soon as you hear about the loss; keep in mind that a text message may be deemed by her as inadequate given the multitude of the loss, so do the “old fashion” thing and call. If the mother isn’t ready or available to talk yet, you can leave a voicemail and it may offer comfort at a later time as she listens to it. Though it’s not always logistically possible to visit the mother, a phone or video call can be a source of connection and comfort during this difficult time. Keep calling in the months following the loss, not just right after the event. Grief is a process that takes time and it helps to know that there is ongoing emotional support for as long as one needs, not just at the moment death occurs. For the individual grieving during the months following the death, this can be an isolating time during which one interprets that everyone has moved on and is unavailable emotionally. If you know what would have been the expected delivery due date, call the mother on that date and commemorate it, as this may be a particularly emotionally challenging time for the mother because she is reminded of her loss.
Listen as the mother grieves. You may feel uncomfortable and not know the “right” thing to say and that’s ok, but do not offer platitudes that bypass the loss, such as, “Just be positive. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. God will give you more. You’re young and can quickly get pregnant again. Be grateful that through this loss God may be protecting you from a future calamity.” Women contending with infertility (whether male or female factor infertility, or both) do not have the luxury of quickly or easily becoming pregnant again; if it’s even possible it usually comes at a huge financial, emotional, and physical cost and sometimes there are additional losses along the way before there is a viable pregnancy. Don’t ask personal and triggering questions such as when she will try to get pregnant again. It’s ok to cry and demonstrate your grief at their loss, but do not make it about you to the point that they are left having to take care of your emotions. If you can sit with the mother and listen as she processes her loss, and validate her experience, she can focus on expressing her own grief and not feel alone.
Spend time in silence with the mother. There may not be words that provide comfort, but sometimes sitting in silence and being in company can help the mother not feel alone. Providing tissues, holding her hand, or offering a hug can be supportive through her tears. Know that grief comes in waves and do not be shocked at her display (or not) of emotions.
Ask what would be helpful. Respect the mother’s boundaries and don’t assume that what you think may be helpful actually is. The mother may not yet know what she needs but would likely appreciate being asked.
Give the mother space. Not all mothers want company following such an intense loss, and they may need to withdraw for a time and process what they have just experienced. Do continue to invite them to events, but don’t be disappointed if the mother needs to cancel attending social engagements for a time, particularly occasions such as children’s birthdays and baby showers that can be triggering. Sometimes the mother simply cannot tolerate the triggers or being expected to smile through the pain. Show compassion by being understanding and not displaying your disappointment or guilting them for their lack of attendance. Their withdrawal is a self-protective measure and not a measure of how they value your relationship. Don’t personalize their absence. They will resume social engagement when and if they are ready, and do not be disappointed if they can only tolerate your social event for a short time and leave the event early. Don’t be surprised if they forego baby showers completely and instead opt to mail you a gift; it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or are unhappy or unsupportive of your pending motherhood.
Offer support with food and completing chores. Creating a “meal train” may be helpful and a concrete way to support the family (ask if they have food preferences or any allergies) through the initial weeks following a loss. The mother may not have much of an appetite but at some point she will. Offer to complete chores such as doing dishes, laundry, cleaning the home, cooking, dropping off their children to/from school, or taking their children out on playdates, particularly if the mother is still physically healing from a medical procedure and limited in terms of what she can physically handle. Some mothers may, however, not require such support and may instead throw themselves into household and parenting tasks as a means to cope with their loss, so offer specific tasks and wait for their response in order to respect their boundaries. Do not jump into caregiving that may be unnecessary and deemed as overstepping boundaries.
Send flowers and cards. It’s common in some cultural traditions to send flowers and cards. Flowers can be helpful to brighten up an environment during a bleak time. Cards with thoughtful messages can offer comfort and be helpful keepsakes for the mother long after the flowers are gone. Sometimes commemorative items such as a mom-baby necklace, or physically comforting items such as a weighted blanket and scented candles/incense can be soothing.
Provide distraction. When consumed with death and loss, it can be helpful at times to have distractions shift one’s thoughts temporarily away from the death. Don’t start with talking about your own life because that would be a misstep and can be perceived as being self-involved, mis-attuned or insensitive towards the grieving mother’s needs, but if the mother elicits those details, indulge her desire for a temporary distraction from her pain. Sometimes laughing about humorous shared memories can provide temporary relief. Sometimes taking a walk together outside of her home can be helpful to give her some fresh air and a temporary change of scenery.
Don’t treat the mother like she is fragile. You don’t need to walk on egg shells around her or completely avoid the topic of her baby’s death, which is clearly her reality. Your avoidance of the topic can actually cause more harm. Avoiding mentioning her miscarriage, for example, may result in her interpreting it as a lack of acknowledgment of her loss as real or legitimate, or demonstrate to her that you cannot get past your own discomfort to offer emotional support to her. She may also think that you clearly cannot tolerate her emotions or the topic of death/loss, and then she is left with the burden of caretaking your emotional needs, which is a role reversal. Mothers who have experienced the harrowing loss of their babies are incredibly strong and resilient, and it doesn’t help to treat them like they are broken or will break at any moment.
Connect the mother to resources. It takes time to grieve and there is no concrete timeline for processing it, but if it’s clear that the mother is having extended difficulty functioning in her day-to-day life at home, at work, or in her relationships, it may be helpful to ask her if she needs additional support, and to provide her with a list of referrals to support groups or therapists who can provide informal and professional support. Please see my Resources page for supports related to infertility, grief, and loss.